God is never disappointed with my best efforts.

Jan 2

A deep breath, all I needed was to get a deep breath. I remember standing at my kitchen counter knowing I needed to walk it off. I can’t remember the specifics of all the things I was committed to and expected to take care of in that point of our lives, I just remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe from all I had to get done. I stood there, tears welling up in my eyes, and realized for the first time that I just couldn’t do it all. I was trying to juggle work, kids, being a good wife, and a great ministry partner. I’m sure I had too much on my plate at the time. Feeling like I was going to collapse under the pressure, I left the house and started walking down the road taking in big breaths of deep autumn air.   From that point on, I realized how much pressure I was feeling to live up to everyone’s needs and expectations of me, and the physical effect it all was having. How as I ever going to live up to everyone’s expectations of me as a mother, wife, and woman in ministry if I couldn’t handle all the demands? The fear and guilt that came with the stress was almost unbearable.

It took me some time before I could come to grips with the fact that God doesn’t care if I break down and don’t get it right sometimes. He tells me it’s ok to not be able to carry the weight of the family or the world. I can be me and not feel like I have to figure things out. I can close my eyes and know that even when I mess up, my position with God will NEVER change. God is never disappointed with my best efforts. He loves me just the same, He wants me to tell him I can’t do it, He wants me to be ok with being weak. I am weak. I am worried. I fail all the time at pleasing people. But amazingly, there is room for me to mess up and not meet other’s expectations, and yet it does not change how deeply loved and cherished I am by my Father. Ever find yourself praying and pleading, “God, you love me right? Dad…you think I’m great, don’t you? Dad, even when I mess up and don’t live up to your expectations, you still want me to be close, don’t you? I’m sorry I’m not strong, I’m sorry I don’t do things the way you think I should, I’m sorry I don’t share Your personality and ways of doing things…I’m sorry to disappoint You?”

Be glad, happy actually, because God has pulled up the child’s chair alongside His grownup throne, and is tapping it with His nail pierced hand for you and me to come and sit close, and tell Him all about it. “I love you no matter what! I think the world of you! I want you to know that you are deeply mine! Oh how I want you to stay here…stay where I can show you true acceptance…not for what you do, but because of who you are. I love you…”

Once I understood that God didn’t see me as a pastor’s wife, a busy mother, or a fix it all friend, I was able to rest. Knowing He sees and cares for me as His messy child who screws up often and yet still pulls up the chair for me to sit close calms my anxious heart.

~Chloe

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