As many of you are, I am a pastor’s wife. It’s not glamourous, there are really no frills to this hat or title. Yes, this position is a calling. I clearly remember the gentleman that interviewed my husband and I asking me, “are you certain that this is the kind of life you are ready to live?” It’s a hard call to live out, often a thankless job of sacrifice, one that you are really never “ready” for, one that will attempt to tear up your family, your marriage and even your belief in God. My answer was still yes because I believed God to be faithful and good and I hold him to His promises.
In Ecclesiastes, it speaks of there being “a time for every purpose under heaven.” As most of us do, most of my life I have struggled to find my place. My place in life, my family, and most recently, in ministry. We all have a place to belong. A place that we specifically are called to thrive. Not just exsist and let others live while we watch but, actually DO something for the Lord.
Such a season has been thrust upon me and pushing me out of the comfortable into the unknown. Truth be told, I am a bit dautned by the position I will be stepping into. People before me have left me big shoes to fill. I am humbled and honored and excited and well…so many other feelings too. Feeling like I’m unworthy of the calling that God has placed on my heart in which to lead. Will I have the words to say when I need to say them? Will I mess up and unintentionally lead others wrongly? How will I be able to get through week after week of serving?
OH God! Help me…lead me Lord. I’m so willing but yet…so weak and feeble. Lord please forgive my doubt. I don’t want to let you down. I can’t lead others without you going before just like you went before Moses and parted the waters, please part the waters for me. I feel like a mess! Oh Lord, please be the solid foundation upon which I firmly plant my feet. Cement me to The Rock so I don’t move from your plan and stumble around in the dark.
It has taken 17 years of ministry. Dryness, lonliness, being burned out, emptyness, grief, and sorrow to get here but I finally feel as though God has truly given me a place where I fit. Where my gifts are being used as He has planned. I am finally living the call that God put into place before I ever knew them…what a joy! What a tremendous priviledge! What a humbling thought! What are you thinking God?! I keep shaking my head in disbelief that one such as I would be leading others. Who am I that you are mindful of me ? I know that the Lord has built this house for me and that He has good for me and I am truly grateful to him for this season.
My gentle Savior speaks again, “My dearest child, apart from me you can do nothing but with Me…all things are possible. Just trust and BELIEVE the promise I have over your life and you will bear much fruit. Remain in my love, wait upon me, be quick to listen, slow to speak and follow my lead dear daughter. I got this. It was never a surprise to me, I have created you for such a time as this (thanks Esther!) and you will stand firm when the first step needs to be made.” Isn’t our Father good?
He will never leave us, forget us and never not love us. May He be the director of your steps, let Him lead you in His love dear sister, it will be totally worth it!