Unraveling on the inside

Unraveling

This last week has been a busy one for me. With a special needs “little” in our house, appointments to doctors and therapies seem to take up a lot of my time. I start the week off thinking I know where I’m supposed to be each day. I have a planner and a phone that tracks, reminds, rings, and even gives me directions to the places I need to go. I start the week thinking I’m in good shape.

Then life happens. Another “little” gets sick, the other has to stay after school for tutoring, a work deadline presses in, my husband/pastor has more appointments and meetings than usual and it happens.

I start to unravel.

I don’t unravel on the outside, of course.

Just on the inside.

I mean, if I unravel on the outside it would be scary for the kids, my husband would want to find more meetings to be at, and I would feel horribly guilty….well, more guilty then if I just let myself unravel on the inside. Unraveling on the inside is cleaner, quieter, and well…more heroic.

So, I work at keeping my “unraveling” incognito. Or so I think.  I’m fooling no one. Here’s how I know I’m unraveling on the inside:

  •  I sleep less.
  •  I snap more.
  •  I press harder.
  •  I forgive less.
  •  I move impatiently.
  •  I breathe heavier.
  •  I forget grace.
  •  I crave solitude.
  •  I talk over others.
  •  I cry in the shower.

So, I guess it’s a lie that I’m unraveling on the inside….all that I listed are actions happening on the outside. I’ve realized that telling myself that I need to “unravel” alone makes things worse.

It’s been freeing this last year to build relationships with other women, both in and outside our church, that have given me permission to unravel. I thought this would make things worse when, in fact, it’s only made things better. Better for me, better for my family. Better for my heart, mind, emotions, and soul.

Those women have helped me to deal with the unraveling by:

  • Extending grace,
  • Giving perspective,
  • Identify triggers,
  • Lending a hand,
  • Making me laugh,
  • Encouraging rest,
  • Providing calm,
  • Modeling forgiveness.

Maybe you find yourself in the first list, worn out, beat down, struggling to meet the demands, empty. You need freedom and a friend. Go to the Word, read it, soak in it, feast off the many Scriptures that speak to rest, weariness, tired and emptiness. Read Matt. 11:28, Isaiah 40:29, Galatians 6:9, Psalm 73:26, Psalm 46:10.

All of us need to be the friends that are found in the second list.

Ladies, we crave help and are created to walk together through this life. Stop making excuses that you need to do it alone. Stop binding your heart and mind to the thought that you need to keep the mess contained. Stop trying to be heroic. There is only one hero, His name is Jesus, and He is whispering in your ear,

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart…

YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOUL. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

This is what I’m going to meditate on the next time I find myself crying in the shower…a burden that is light, a gentle and humble heart that is encouraging me to learn from Him, and the promise that I will find rest.

That’s a promise I want to hold on to.

~Dayna

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